"Closure: Finding Your Way Out Of A Difficult Relationship Situation"

By Dr Robby Bilton

Are you thinking about leaving your relationship or have you left your relationship and are looking for closure? In this article, we are talking about how to create and get closure with your past relationships.

A lot of you have been through a lot of ups and downs, and the challenge is about people who are breaking up and are thinking of breaking up or deciding whether they should stay or go is that they are making decisions based on love and attraction, friendship and fun and sometimes the kids, the mortgage, finances or family.

All these things create a push pull, an approach avoidance conflict as they say in Psychology.

Basically you have to listen to your heart. What is your highest and best? If you are living your life according to a metaphysical underpinning or paradigm where you are looking for your highest and best soulmate, you ultimately want to have a soulmate that you can have a relationship with, not just a soulmate, because you are already saying “Yeah, this person is my soulmate.”

Yeah, they probably are, they are here to teach you what you want and what you don’t want. It is a stepping stone, if you just look at the big picture, if you get your ego out of the way and look at what is highest and best for you.

Your job is to turn your dreams into reality and with some people you cannot create the relationship of your dreams. You need different things.

Yes, they have a lot of what you want, and that is what the problem is, it is not all good or all bad, if it was you wouldn’t be listening to this tape.

The problem is that there is some really good stuff that is reinforcing you and you are on an intermittent reinforcement schedule.

Again, another psychological concept, that the good times will make you stay. Generally your life is not good and you are in pain all the time and you are in horrendous power struggles. Maybe you have gone to counselling, and you are trying to work things out, but they are not working out because they are deal breakers, well then you need to move on and you need to get closure.

But the first thing you have to do with closure is understand the big picture. You know when I look back on my relationships, especially if you read my books, especially True Love on Demand you can see the horrendous relationships I was in.

However I was totally unconscious, I didn’t understand about being qualified or understanding the other person’s relationship needs to be qualified. You know, I was toxic, I was deficient, I didn’t understand the relationship game and I had a low level of relationship mastery. I really wasn’t qualified and a lot of people really aren’t qualified to be in a relationship.

If you look at jobs, they say are you qualified for this job? People say “yeah of course” or “no, this person isn’t qualified.” But in relationships we don’t even think about that concept.

You need to have a certain level of communication skills, openness, you can’t be shutdown, and you can’t have a lot of negative behaviors. You got to have an understanding of the game and you have to understand people, and the relationship process.

At the Centre and in our books, we talk about the Seven Principles of Relationship Success and we talk about the four steps to relationship success.

You know, you have to have a lot of this relationship mastery, at least the basics to get into the game and stay in the game. I mean anyone can get into the game. People read some of our Attraction material and yes you can attract people, but can you keep them? That’s the key; you need to have the relationship intelligence, the relationship mastery at a certain level.

So I had to get rid of a lot of my toxicities and defiencies. I had to understand the game and the different personalities, different values, different lifestyles and that is what "The Ultimate Love by Design" teaches. That will help you get closure, if you go through the tests in that program or the Counsellor in a Box Program In these programs you can see that there is a lot of things that you are not relating on that are very important to you and if you read any of our handouts on deal breakers or requirements, there are some things that you just can’t live with.

I was with a lovely lady Lucie, we had different visions and values, we had different lifestyles, and we had different life values.

The love was there and the attraction was there. It was even worst with earlier relationships that I talk about in True Love on Demand, these people where dysfunctional, they were character disordered, they were unavailable, they had some major issues going on and I had some major issues, I had some toxicities and some deficiencies.

You know, I had no idea about the relationship game; I should not have been in relationships at that time. Someone should have pulled me away and trained me for half a year, six months or three months or whatever, to wake me up and smell the coffee, because I was really good in other areas of my life, but I certainly wasn’t good in relationships.

Just as a side note, the following is the basic descriptions of the communication modes, for more detailed descriptions as well as tips for better communication and the needs of each of the modes check out Love by Design Book

Visuals communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things.

Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you.

Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood.

Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. The move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activity and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched.

So if you are with someone who is very toxic, or dysfunctional, if they have anger issues, addictions or criminal behaviors, if they are liars or cheaters, then what do you do? So you are thinking, do I stay or do I go? Hey, it becomes pretty obvious after a certain point. Plus even things like the fact that Lucie and I never fought, there was underlying powerstruggles because we have different values, different value Centres, different visions, different lifestyles, plus we had different communication styles.

Lucie was not Auditory or Digital and I was Kinesthetic, Auditory, Digital, Visual so I needed it on all channels, and because of my personality I needed attention and because of our lifestyles or lifestyle value Centres we didn’t get much of that, so it just wasn’t working for us.

So you have to look at where you are at, and what you want. Your job is to turn your dreams into reality. Your job is to have the Relationship and love of your life. That’s you job, that’s what your soul wants.

As I said from the beginning if you are living from a Metaphysical paradigm, an effortless paradigm, a paradigm that believes that you can have it all and it is an abundant world and you can transcend the adversarial competitive, scarcity paradigm.

These are just belief systems, they are not true. In this world we can have what we want, you have to transcend the adversarial, competitive paradigm, once you do, you can look at them very clearly and once you do, even if you use the attract system, you are not going to get any better if you are hanging on to your past relationships, you need to resolve that, you need to have closure.

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