When Marriage Counseling
Isn't Working, Now What Do You Do? (Part 2)
How To Solve Your Marriage Problem and Get Useful Marriage
Counseling Advice!
by Melody Chase
PART TWO - ACTION
What
they all have in common when people use these dysfunctional behaviors
is that they are trying to get their needs met, but the ways they have
developed or have picked or learned from others are not serving them
in the highest and best way. In fact the dysfunctional behavior will
eventually destroy them instead of protect them.
So
without years and years of therapy, what are the most common ways of
removing dysfunctional behavior?
The
following two steps are what we recommend:
1)
Use the 4 Steps to Unconditional Love Technique.
2) Decide to change the dysfunction and replace the gap with a functional
behavior.
1)
4 Steps to Unconditional Love
In our Love by Design
Book we go over our four steps to be able to have a loving
relationship with your partner. The same steps can be used to heal any
dysfunctional behavior you may have.
The
four steps are:
1)
Understanding
2) Acceptance
3) Forgiveness
4) Appreciation
I’ll
go over how they can be applied to healing dysfunctional behavior:
1)
UNDERSTANDING: Understand that you have been hurt or traumatized
or have not been getting your needs met in the way you wanted them met.
You did the best you could under the circumstances and with you had
available at the time. Likewise the person who hurt, traumatized or
didn’t allow you to have your needs met were doing the best they
could with the information that they had available at the time.
2)
ACCEPTANCE: Acceptance that your dysfunctional behavior was
trying to serve and protect you even though it may not have been in
the best way for you.
3)
FORGIVENESS: Forgiveness is important in order to let go of
the hurt and trauma and make room for new experiences and new decisions.
So you may forgive the person who hurt or traumatized you as well as
forgive yourself for not knowing a different way that may have served
you better.
4)
APPRECIATE: Appreciate that even using your dysfunctional behavior
helped you get around in life, you have survived and where able to get
to this new level of consciousness and where you are today.
2)
Decide to change the dysfunction and replace the gap with a functional
behavior.
Now
since you have gotten to a point of appreciating the dysfunctional behavior,
you can now “choose”, yes choose or make a choice to change
the dysfunction without being in resistance to it.
Making
a decision is a very powerful force, and you will be supported in your
environment. You will find that you will draw into your life the material,
resources, and support that you need not only to change the behavior,
but also to help you find the highest and best functional behavior to
replace the dysfunctional behavior with.
To
get you started the following is Rob’s Super Pattern Blaster that
can be used to remove a dysfunctional behavior, after listing the steps,
I have included some functional behaviors examples that you can choose
to replace the dysfunctional behaviors:
SUPER PATTERN BLASTER
The
following is Rob’s Super Pattern Blaster exercise to repattern
reoccurring patterns:
1)
Identify the Pattern.
2)
Understand that the pattern is just one of action of many, many potential
patterns, a mosaic or tapestry that you can pull from even though you
may have only been set up for one by your family of origin or society
etc. It also means that there is a polarity or opposite pattern.
3)
Accept and Appreciate the polarity as it is part of many possibilities
of divine perfection- accept and appreciate the pattern, love, accept
and appreciate the existing patterns.
4)
Make a decision that you don’t want the pattern anymore (The decision
is final, you won’t accept it anymore, won’t allow it, if
you see it starting up you will stop it.)
5)
Choose the polaristic pattern or another pattern that suits you life
better.
6)
Install and integrate and become one with the new pattern.
7)
In life any pattern can exist, but for you, you are now someone who
always chooses the new pattern, it is how you are now.
8)
You assumed the identity of someone who has assumed the new pattern.
FUNCTIONAL BEHAVORIAL PATTERNS EXAMPLES
The
following are some functional behavior patterns that you can chose to
replace the old dysfunctional behavior:
1)
MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON YOUR AUTHENTIC FEELINGS:
Make
a decision to make decisions based on authentically what makes you feel
good, what is fun, light, bright and peaceful for yourself. You are
perfect so any decision that you make based on what feels good to you
(instead of decision based on how to appease other people in order to
get what you want) will automatically be what is highest and best for
you and everyone around you.
2)
DEVELOP AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE BASE FOR YOURSELF:
Develop
an unconditional love base with yourself so no matter what you do or
don’t do, think or don’t think, be or not be you will unconditionally
love yourself without judgment or expectation of yourself. Create your
own base of security that is rock solid and not based on the conditional
up and down love, judgments and expectations of other people.
3)USE
FUNCTIONAL COMMUNICATION TECHNIQUES:
Use
functional communication techniques such as our 4 Step Communication
Technique or Conflict Resolution Technique and find out what both your
partner’s and your own communication modes are so you are on the
same page in order to communicate. If you decide to, you will draw in
whichever functional communication technique that is the highest and
best for both you and your partner.
This article only touches on the topic of dysfunction and how to change
it, but with a new awareness and understanding of the potential reasons
for any stall in your relationship, you will now be able to draw in
or search out what you need to resolve it if you or your partner do
in fact have dysfunctional behaviors.
--------------------------------------------------
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